To Yell or Not to Yell, That is the Question…
I admit it. I yell. Although it’s funny, I don’t really perceive myself as yelling very often. It drives my husband nuts because he feels that I yell all the time at our kids. As we were sitting at the dinner table the other day, I asked my kids, “Does daddy yell a lot?”. The answer, a resounding “Noo-uhoo”. Hmmm. Ok. How about, “Does mom yell a lot?”, not only an “Ohhhh yeah”, but also coupled with a determined nod up and down. Jeez. In my personal opinion, I only really yell very occasionally when I am tossed so over the edge, I’m about to explode. But, I do raise the volume of my voice fairly often, to which, I don’t consider yelling, but maybe I’m wrong. I look at it as trying to get a little person’s attention when they are zoning out on me.
I’ve witnessed many a time when I’ve looked at other parents and thought to myself, man, you sound just like the Charile Brown teacher, and wa wa wa wa wa wa wa, your kids don’t have the foggiest clue as to what you are saying. Am thinking, don’t you even notice that they don’t hear you? Have I turned into them?
I get particularly irked these days at my own kids when I repeat, repeat, repeat and still no one blinks an eyelash to do what I request them to do. How do I get around this? I raise the volume of my voice, of course, until someone pays attention. But is that yelling? I don’t know. I guess so. I think of yelling more of the scenario that I am so loud, toss in an extreme word or two and it results in big doe eyed looks and silence as a result. And that behavior, on my part, I don’t think happens very often. Thinking back, I’m trying to remember if my mom yelled. She did I guess, but I don’t think it took away from her being a good mom. And, when you get right down to it, we probably deserved it.
Would I like not to do this? Sure. In a perfect world. But I’m usually so caught up in multi-tasking and getting us from point A to B, that I don’t have the patience to actually do what you are supposed to do or, truth be told that I’m even raising my voice at all. So how do you not yell? I guess it is be over the moon positive and compliment them so much that they’ll be happy to do what is asked of them. I’ll never forget my oldest son’s first grade teacher. If she wasn’t the most picture perfect example of positive modeling, I don’t know what was. And all the kids adored her. I used to kid that they followed her around like the pied piper, she had them so entranced. It was awe inspiring to watch. The kids were tripping over each other trying to please her. If I just had as much positive modeling as her little pinkie, I’m sure I’d be coming out ahead.
I do try and follow this as best as I can because I know it works. It just seems so much more sane than yelling or any other negative reinforcement. But, it’s very easy to fall by the wayside when things are chaotic and you are wearing thin on patience. I think you just stop thinking and knee jerk react. I am not beyond giving a good swat on the bottom, or slap on the head (I know, I don’t do it that hard). I did it more often when they were little, in my mind, to lay the groundwork that mom means business and won’t tolerate misbehavior. But I don’t think it really teaches your kids a whole lot. For example, you swat him on the bottom for hitting his brother. Ahem. Really? And you wonder where he gets the behavior? I came to think that it was more important to follow through on a punishment more than anything. It became apparent that a much more effective way to deal with undesired behavior was to try and find something directly related to what they did. If you are being bad in the store that you wanted to go to, pick up and leave. If you pitch a fit for the piece of candy in the check out line, you sure as hell are not getting a treat for your behavior. But it’s hard to find something directly related all the time–like in the hitting the sibling scenario–so we take away a privilege instead, like TV or computer time.
I’m very lucky, and tend to think what ever we’ve been doing, we’ve been doing something right as every now and then you see them doing something wonderful or a chore that they are responsible for doing without provocation. We are not perfect parents by any means, and can tell you from the very bottom of my heart that parenting comes with no instruction manual and it often comes from the very seat of your pants. It is one of those things that you can only do the best you can with what god gave you kind of deal.
Of course there is always room for improvement, and certain aha moments that we all face in our parenting lives. I think one of the biggest lacks (aside from me yelling soooo much, of course) that I’ve got in my current parenting skill set is pointing out what my older son, in particular is doing wrong. He just has an amazing skill for getting himself into doing things he probably shouldn’t be. After I hear myself telling him what he shouldn’t be doing, if I can, I try to catch myself and try to recoup if I can. I often find myself getting aggravated with his creativity process, and don’t want to muffle it, but I can’t tell you how many times something has been taken apart, broken or used up in the interest of creating something (there are at least a half dozen or motors of some kind in different stages of assembly hoarded in his room that came from who knows what) and it gets under my skin like no other. That’s a very nice hovercraft buddy, but did you really need to take apart my blender to make it? I hear it may be genetic as it’s rumored that my husband was notorious for taking things apart–but not always knowing how to put back together.
I also see glimmers of the teen years as well, and wonder what wild and crazy ride that will be as we head into it. I can see my sons testing their independence and digging in with the certainty that they are right, as they are butting heads already with what mom and dad are saying or telling them what not to do. I’ve approached with letting them do what they want–within reason of course, as long is it doesn’t hurt anyone or is outright mean or disrespectful–but not without telling them that I have my reasons for telling them what they should or should not be doing.
So, I ask for lots of patience, understanding and common sense as I continue down the path towards their adulthood, and hope, like all parents do, that we are doing something right and end up with happy, well adjusted grown up kids.